Status?
by spooksfan08
Summary: Harry can't bear for Ruth to hate him. Set after the bridge scene in 8.2. A prequel to my other stories. Does she really hate him? Harry tries to clarify what their status actually is.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer not mine. I don't own Spooks. This is just a short fluffier story to cheer me up after I wrote the latest chapter of Fair Trade? That isn't finished by the way! Set after Ruth's argument with Harry on the bridge after her return in series 8.**

**Status?**

Ruth closed her eyes and sighed. She leant against the bridge she knew so well. The early spring sunshine warmed her but nothing really seemed to calm her anger any more. She shook her head as she gave up on trying to rationalise her thoughts. Once again her life had been turned upside down by MI-5. By Harry Pearce. The only man she had ever really loved. Instead of being on the island she had begun to try to think of as home she was in London. London. Home. No, Exeter was home. Wasn't it? She shook her head as she got even angier with herself. Even though she was no longer an analyst she still couldn't get out of that mindset. Everything was analysed. She tutted as a commuter pushed past her. Yes, she was back in London. No one had any time for anything or anyone. It was the she felt a hand on the small of her back.

"Ruth, I am well aware of our status." Harry was still just as angry and frustrated as he had been when she had stormed off and left him.

"Harry."

"No Ruth. You had your say. Can't I at least have mine?"

"Harry, I told you. I told you before we went to Iraq this was going to come back to haunt us. Did you listen? No."

"And George died because of me. I know that." Harry almost hissed the words out. Ruth stopped walking and turned to him.

"You think I blame you for George being killed. You think I blame you for Nico being taken from me." She held his gaze. There was no way she could look away from him. Even after all these years. She still couldn't look away. She was lost. Ruth inwardly cursed herself for letting Harry have this affect on her. She remembered the way Jo had caught them years earlier in the corridor of Thames House. Neither had been able to look away then either, not until the young blonde had broken the spell. There was something about Harry's eyes. It was the Havensworth look but tinged with anger. She waited as Harry composed himself and an elderly woman passed them clanking her shopping trolley.

"No Ruth." He paused. "I don't think you blame me for ruining your life. I know you do."

"How can you say that? It's been almost three years."

"In that room. When we were in there with Mani. You said. You asked me." Harry looked away for a moment as Ruth frowned. "You asked me if I had ever felt anything for you."

"I know." Ruth paused.

"You said if. IF"

"Harry, it wasn't exactly the best time to be discussing a relationship that never really had a chance." Ruth wanted to run. To be anywhere but there. She was a different person now. Harder, less nervous of the world around her but just as terrified of it. Of herself and how she felt. She knew three years ago she never would have been able to have the conversation she was having now. She smiled slightly and shook her head, she wasn't really sure she could have it now.

"You never gave us a chance." Harry seemed resigned.

"Harry."

"I know. I know I'm being callous." He stepped back. "But as I said. You know my limitations better than anyone. I am trying Ruth."

"Very trying." Ruth answered. But her lips twitched into a smile as she spoke. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"I wanted to say this on the bridge. Before you flounced off."

"Harry. I do not flounce." Ruth met his gaze again.

"Yes. Right. Well." Harry was lost as she met his gaze. The anger and recriminations from earlier were gone. Harry felt the grip around his heart lesson. Ruth was still Ruth. She hadn't hardened completely. Not yet.

"Go on Harry. Say what you wanted to say." She felt him usher her towards a bench. It wasn't their bench but it would do.

"You said if I had ever had any feelings for you. I assume you meant before you left." He swallowed hard. Ruth sat on the bench as he followed her. He sat a little further away from her than was necessary as the wind picked up and blew her hair across her face.

"Yes. Harry." Ruth looked at her hands. "I think that was what I meant. I thought he was going to kill Nico. I was using every trick in the book to stop him. Emotional blackmail, playing for time. Everything bar physically kill the man."

"I know. I was doing the same thing."

"What?" Ruth's eyes snapped to his.

"I wouldn't tell him where the uranium was. I couldn't. I had no idea how close by Ros and Lucas were. They thought I had been murdered." Harry paused. "But I couldn't let him kill a child. I am not the complete bastard you think I am." Harry paused. "Whatever you think of me now. I just wanted to say that. I honestly thought if we got out of there you and George would go back to Cyprus. Even though that would have killed me, it would have been better than knowing how much you hate me." He swallowed hard as he watched her eyes fill with tears. "I would rather have watched you go back to Cyprus with George and the boy."

"Nico"

"Yes, Nico. I'd have rather you go back with them and think of me fondly occasionally rather than have you here hating me. Hating the man I have become. If I could turn back the clock." Harry looked away as he sniffed. He would not cry in front of Ruth. He had said what he had came to say. It was time to go. Ros would be waiting for him to meet the Home Secretary. She didn't trust Nick Blake and he wasn't sure if she was right to mistrust him. It was then he felt Ruth's hand on his own.

"I don't hate you." Ruth spoke calmly. Harry's eyes snapped backed to hers. "I never could Harry. That's why this is so awful."

"Not hating me is awful?" Harry smiled slightly as Ruth rolled her eyes.

"I miss Nico. I really do but his father is dead because I lied. I never told them who I was. Who I am really." She blinked back the tears. "And the truth is."

"The truth is what?" Harry daren't move. Her hand was still resting on his.

"Harry, the truth is I hate myself. What I've become, not who you are." Ruth closed her eyes as she felt Harry move slightly nearer. It was almost as if he was terrified she may vanish once more.

"Ruth."

"I'm in limbo. I don't even have my own name anymore. Zaf got me an alias. Did he ever tell you?"

"No." Harry met her eyes. "I told him it was safer for you if I didn't know."

She nodded.

"My name as far as the rest of the world are concerned is Elizabeth Ruth Pearce. I'm a 43 year old widow. That explains the wedding ring. It also explains why you thought George and I were married. I never really got used to being called Elizabeth, it's my mum's name. So I settled on telling people I used my middle name. I think Malcolm was surprised Nico called me Ruth."

"You have my surname." Harry couldn't understand why that seemed important to him but it did. He knew it had been Zaf's romantic side coming out when he had cobbled together Ruth's legend all those years ago.

"Is that all I have Harry?"

"No Ruth." He stood up at the same time she did. "No Ruth, it's not all."

"Harry, I need time. And for the record. I never hated you." She smiled as he blushed slightly. "I want to come back. I really do. I just need time."

Harry nodded. He suddenly felt like he had all the time in the world.

**A/N Ok not that fluffy, but it was only intended as a filler between the bridge scene in 8.2 and my story One Night Only. Please review. Back to Fair Trade? Soon.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer not mine I do not own Spooks. Added a second chapter because I really can't seem to write one shots. What did Ruth think after she spoke to Jo in 8.2? **_

_**Tomorrow?**_

_**"**We all missed you Ruth. But no one more than Harry." Jo Series 8._

Ruth was sat on the steps near the Albert Hall trying to digest everything Jo had said to her. She smiled slightly wondering when Joanna Portman had become so wise. When she had left Jo had been the baby of the team. Now there was some boy called Tariq that was the youngest. She picked at the material on her skirt and began wondering what had happened to Jo to turn the bumbling but well meaning journalist into the woman that had sat beside her and told her that Harry had missed her. For a moment her thoughts turned to the rest of her former colleagues and friends as well as the newer team members she had met. She stood and found herself walking back towards the building she had ran to less than a week earlier_. Can I go back? Can I pick up where I left off. No, Harry wouldn't want that. Would he? Would he want me back, as an analyst at least? What about Ros? Would it make things awkward for her? Zaf and Adam. Where are they? How did Lucas arrive in the team?_ The questions seemed to circle in her mind as she reached the doors of Thames House. Relieved that at least Stan the Jamacian security guard seemed pleased to see her.

xxxxxxxxx

"You spoke to her then?" Ros picked up her glass of white wine as Jo nodded.

"I told you I would."

"Yeah." Tariq nodded. "Why is this Ruth so important?"

"Tariq." Ros smiled slightly. Once she had thought the same thing. "I'll explain it all when you are a little older."

"I'm 26." Tariq looked into his drink as Lucas and Jo exchanged glances.

"She's the best bloody analyst we had." Ros sipped her drink as Jo nodded. "Until."

"Until what?" Lucas held the blonde's gaze. He had been back just over a year and was still adjusting to life back in the UK.

"Until she had to go away." Jo answered diplomatically.

"So, is she coming back to Section D?" Malcolm asked as he joined the group. Ros smiled. She knew Malcolm should be having nothing to do with any of them since he had retired but since he had learnt Ruth had stayed in the UK he had found ways of accidentally bumping into Ros and the team on a semi regular basis. Ros knew it was because he worried about them. About Harry especially. Despite being invited to the pub the Section Head had found ways of avoiding the team after hours. Malcolm and Ros exchanged glances as Ros tried to bury the feelings of guilt everytime Ruth was mentioned.

"I think she will." Jo smiled slightly. She was happy to have her friend back. She had missed her.

"Why?"

"Call it female intuition Tariq." Jo winked.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Harry signed yet another report that Jo had left on his desk. He was glad for the excuse to bury his head in paperwork and forget the world. The argument on the bridge and the talk on the bench still plauging his mind. He closed the file as he ignored the pods whoosing open. He thought Jo or Tariq had forgotten something and decided to ignore them as he opened the next file in the pile. Then there was the paperwork needed for the meeting at Whitehall the next day. He shut the whole world out as he read the inane report from Section C in front of him.

"I hope you fed the cats."

His head snapped up to see Ruth smiling slightly.

"My cats. Fidget and Muggles. You did adopt them? Scarlett didn't make it difficult?" She folded her arms to stop herself from fidgeting .

"Yes. I promised." He stood up and walked around the desk towards her. "Scarlett seems quite taken with them."

"Good." Ruth smiled slightly. "I meant to ask you earlier."

"About?"

"The cats."

"Oh." Harry looked away, suddenly ashamed for hoping she had wanted to ask him anything else.

"What you said. On the bridge. About my status?" Ruth was suddenly unsure of herself.

"What about it?" Harry darent hope. He daren't let himself hope she meant anything other than getting herself back from the technically dead.

"Can it be rectified? Can I really come back? Here I mean."

"When do you want to start?" Harry smiled as Ruth blushed.

"Tomorrow?" Ruth bit her bottom lip as her eyes met Harry's.

"Ok Ruth, tomorrow."

**A/N not sure about this chapter. If no one likes it I'll delete it and leave Status as a one shot.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer not mine I do not own Spooks. Added a second chapter because I really can't seem to write one shots. What exactly was going on back at the Grid in 8.3. The scenes we didn't see when Lucas and the girls went after the Bendorf Groups Abductors. Some paraphrasing of 8.3 in here too.**_

_**Everything Changes.**_

Ruth felt sick as she looked in the full length mirror before leaving the flat. She didn't know why it was so important that she looked ok. Well more than ok but she knew she had to at least feel like the old Ruth. The one that had fought with angle poise lamps and fallen in love with her boss. _Harry. _Ruth closed her eyes as she picked up her bag and walked out the front door.

xxxxx

Harry was nervous. It wasn't a feeling he was used to, the whole nature of his work meant he just couldn't afford to be the nervous kind. He sat behind his desk and thought about the day before when Ruth had just walked in like she always had. He couldn't help but smile. It had been like old times. Her stood at the door as if she owned the place. She had always just barged her way in. Never out of a sense of her own importance, more because she was always thinking about something to do with what they were working on. He hoped she felt comfortable enough to keep barging in now she was back. He checked hs watch for the third time that morning as his phone rang.

"Harry."

"Yes Ros."

"It's all kicking off."

"Are you ok?" Harry was immediately worried about his Section Chief. He glared at the desk in front of him as he waited for her to answer.

"When am I not ok? Look get me some information and some back up." Ros hung up before Harry could argue. It was then he saw the small brunette walk through the Pods and look around as if seeing the place for the first time. He smiled slightly as she met his gaze.

"Harry."

"Hello. Ah, we have a dozen of the most influential people in the world being held hostage by an unknown terrorist group. Ros is on scene."

"And on my first day back." Ruth smiled slightly. "Harry, you shouldn't have."

"Well, it was either that or a basket of muffins." He returned the smile. Ruth found herself getting lost in his eyes once again. The one thing she had promised herself she wouldn't do. She glanced away, towards her old desk as he stepped back.

"My desk."

"It's still yours. The lamp is new though" She rolled her eyes. She was never going to be able to forget the argument with the lamp. It was then she saw the young boy working at the station where Malcolm should have been. Her heart sank a little as she realised things had changed on the Grid beyond all recognition.

"Hiya." The young boy smiled as Ruth felt impossibly old.

"Hi."

"Tariq."

"Ruth."

"Oh you're Ruth?" He smiled as Ruth raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, it's just I heard Jo saying she had been to see you."

"It's ok." Ruth's cheeks burned. She looked across the Grid to where Harry was sat at his desk talking on the phone as he wrote something down. She shrugged her cardigan off as she realised somethings really were still the same.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ruth closed her eyes as she leant against the wall outside Harry's office. For a moment she couldn't think. The news Harry had just relayed had ripped out what was left of her heart. Jo was dead. She had been in the Registry as Lucas had called it in. Ros had killed Jo. The one time baby of the team had been caught in the crossfire. There had been no way Ros could have avoided her.

"Ruth?" Tariq approached her as she sniffed. "You ok?"

She sighed as she thought about what Tariq had just asked. She liked the young techi but at that moment she didn't think she would ever be ok again.

"I will be." She smiled though watery tears.

"Harry said I can go home."

"Ok."

"Lucas called." Tariq stared at his trainers. "Ros is in a bad way. He's taken her to hospital."

"She's been hurt?" Ruth's eyes snapped back to Tariq as he shook his head.

"Don't think so. Lucas said she was catatonic. That he couldn't get her to talk or move without physically lifting her." Ruth frowned. It didn't fit with the image she had of Ros in her head. Ros was tough, she didn't feel anything for anyone. Never had. _Maybe I was wrong._

"Does Harry know?" Ruth watched as Tariq shook his head.

"Don't think so." Tariq paused. "Jo and Ros were like sisters. Look, I'm going home." He glanced at the Pods as Harry emerged from his office.

"Ok." Ruth bit her lip as the younger man almost ran from them.

"She isn't as tough as you'd think." Harry's voice sounded gruff, as though he'd been crying.

"Ros? Our own Ice Queen?"

"She's changed Ruth. We all have." Harry wanted to touch her but wasn't sure if that would do more harm than good. Ruth met his eye as she felt another wave of tears threaten to overwhelm her.

"Harry." She looked away as he finally broke and stepped towards her. Ruth closed her eyes, knowing that she had spent so many nights dreaming of being in Harry's arms the last thing she had imagined was because they were both grieving. She let him pull her into his arms as they held each other and cried.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lucas pushed the tablet back into Ros' hand as the nurse left the room. The blonde had been quiet since he had picked her up from the floor after the seige. He blamed himself. He should have been there instead of fighting with the Russian billionaire in the mansion.

"Ros. Take the tablet." He knew she wouldn't have agreed to take the sedative if he hadn't pushed her into it.

"I killed her."

"No."

"What would you call it then? I fired a gun. She died."

"I know."

"I killed her." Ros' voice was impossibly quiet. She began to shake as Lucas moved to sit next to her.

"No. Jo made her decision. She knew what she was doing."

"She knew. She nodded. I thought she had a vest on. I thought she was wearing a vest." Ros shook violently as the tears overwhelmed her. "I killed Jo."

Lucas closed his eyes as he blamed himself. He would have made Jo take her gun with her. He would have made her stick to protocol. Got them all out. She had given Ros no choice but to shoot her. He opened his eyes as he saw Ros shake slightly as she rested her head on one hand and stared at the floor.

"Ros. Jo knew what she was doing. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. Jo knew what she was doing." Lucas rested a hand on her arm as she sat up straight. Some part of her registered what Jo had done and she was angry. Suicide by cop was not something she had thought Joanna Portman capable of and right at that moment she didn't think she would ever be able to forgive Jo. Or herself.

**A/N Thank you all for the reviews. This is really the end as it now leads straight into my first story, Friends Reunited, which I really should rewrite as it was a bit rubbish. It also leads into Melting the Ice so if you haven't read that this could be considered the prequel. Please leave a final review before I go back to Fair Trade? Thanks**


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